If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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