I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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