If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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