Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
