the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
