He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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