I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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