Welp...herpes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
