I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
