I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
