I just pynch a tree in the face
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
