i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
