Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
