guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
