When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
