maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
