well I can't set my house on fire every night
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
