Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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