Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
