I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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