I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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