his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
