You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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