you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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