He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
