This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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