IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
