I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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