thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
