I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
