operation harelip BJ is a go
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
