Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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