so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
wow bdsm is so cute
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
