she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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