I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
