sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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