I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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