I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
