He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
