My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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