they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
