omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
