How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
