I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
