You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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