We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
