I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
