Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
