i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
