Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
