dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When did angry sex become our thing?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
