this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
