i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
