So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
