I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
