I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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