i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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